Adventures of the Coconut Caucus

From the files of “Apparently We Can’t Think Of Anything Else To Talk About That’s More Pressing Than This” comes this latest salvo courtesy of our dear friends at The Associated Press. To the poor schlub who had to write this and take it seriously, our deepest sympathies.

Congressional Hispanics knock Democratic leaders

WASHINGTON (AP) - The Congressional Hispanic Caucus denounced House Democratic leaders Wednesday as “spineless” and no better than Republicans for failing to take on comprehensive immigration reform. (I’M SO SCARED!) Leaders of the all-Democratic caucus, which numbers two dozen, criticized their party leadership at a news conference for scheduling hearings on enforcement legislation and specific visa issues instead. (House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and her waterboy Rep. Rahm Emanuel are shaking in their boots!)

Rep. Raul Grijalva of Arizona called the Democratic caucus “spineless,” while Rep. Luis Gutierrez of Illinois said Democrats were proving themselves “no better than the Republican majority we replaced.” (They actually called themselves a majority!!! Who knew?! They’ve been so not acting like that, that we totally forget THEY ARE IN CHARGE!)

The wusses lawmakers refused to name names (’COURSE, NAMING NAMES WOULD TAKE SOME COURAGE, AND NATURALLY, A SPINE, which we just heard the Democrats don’t have) but said the piecemeal approach wouldn’t be happening without the consent of top House Democratic leaders. (HOLY COW! REALLY?! sweetjesusisthistrue?!!)

LEFT OUT OF THE STORY: “The lawmakers are not sure what their next move is going to be, but they pledged to have another press conference in six months to give a hint, or maybe not.”