Adventures of the Coconut Caucus

A Day in the life of Bush’s best amigo

9:45 a.m. EDT Capitol Hill:
After a breakfast of huevos rancheros, strong coffee, toast with jelly, hash browns, orange juice and strawberries (his mom says he’ll need all that energy), and a kiss from his blonde wife, Attorney Generalíssmo Gonzáles proceeds to perjure himself.

“I swear I was just following orders. It’s not my fault that my chief of staff fucked up. It’s
not my fault. I serve at the pleasure of the president. The Constitution is a quaint and outdated document”

12:30 p.m. EDT Capitol Hill
Committee breaks for lunch after a frustrating couple of hours listening to Panchito’s non-answer answers. The president’s favorite Mexican thinks about that cheeseburger and chili fries waiting for him downstairs and comes to a shocking conclusion: Congress does not like Latinos!

“This has nothing to do with the fact that I SUCK as a lawyer. They’re after me because I’m Mexican. And short. It’s not my fault that I’m Mexican and short. Besides, I was just being a good soldier in the Bush crusades. It’s not my fault. Many people work at the Justice Department not just me, it wasn’t me, but I take responsibility for serving the president”

3:30 p.m. EDT Capitol Hill
Hearing concludes with legislators on both sides bewildered that Bush’s favorite Mexican passed the bar. Some even question the sanity of Texans who elected him to that state’s Supreme Court. But most of all, it’s Panchito that’s really confused.

“It’s not fault I don’t have a clue what the Constitution says. I was just following orders.
It’s not my fault. This is a vast conspiracy against Mexican people. I take responsibility, but It’s not my fault. I overcame many obstacles, like the Constitution, to be Attorney General, and I don’t even speak Spanish”